Being Bodil

For Your Information

Posted on the 17th of August 2007 at 21:57 by Bodil

Sitting at home in male mode on a Friday night is no fun at all.

Also, low-carb beer tastes like cow urine.

Coming Out All Over Again

Posted on the 16th of August 2007 at 19:12 by Bodil

I’ve been out with my friends and family for a long time–very out, probably annoyingly so. At the last place I worked, coming out was a gradual process, mostly about my growing comfortable enough with my co-workers to broach the subject, and just finding the right time. It went marvellously well, though, everybody was absolutely great about it, and perfectly accepting.

And now, of course, I’ve had to go and get myself a new job. I’ve worked there for two weeks now, and I haven’t even dropped a single hint. I don’t even know if I’m ever going to, at this point, though admittedly it’s probably going to be unavoidable eventually. I just feel that dropping something like that into a conversation is going to be more than a little weird, especially since I’ve not really been very talkative around my new co-workers as it is. I have no idea how to proceed, even if I did decide I wanted to.

Should I even mention it? I’m not sure why I’d want them to know, but I’m afraid it’s for the attention. (Well, that and not having to be automatically lumped into the “you guys” category by my female colleagues, which always makes me silently furious.) I love attention, especially attention about Bodil, but I don’t want to cultivate it. I’m much too vain already, and am actively trying to tone it down, in order to better myself as a person. I suspect I’m failing miserably, but I do at least pretend to try. I’d really detest myself if I went around the office screaming “you know what? I’m a girl, wanna see pix?” I’d like them to know, because they should, and because I’m growing ever so slightly more feminine every day and they ought to be prepared, but I guess it’s important to find the right moment for it.

It makes me miss my old employer, though, even if it was the government and all. The people there knew. There was nothing to worry about. This thing, now, is just a bother. I hope it’s worth it.

Establishing the Boundaries

Posted on the 12th of August 2007 at 23:03 by Bodil

Hello, audience.

I may not ever have an audience. In case I do, this is by way of explanation that I won’t be writing for an audience. The act of public speaking, or the knowledge that you are speaking in public, affects what you say and what you want to say in a very profound manner. With this blog, I want to externalise what goes on in my own head, for my own benefit. Maybe you’ll find my monologue interesting, or even helpful, and I’ll appreciate that - it’s the reason I’m doing this in public: just in case it’s useful to someone.

There’s going to be a definite theme: I’m going to document the process of leaving behind my male persona, which I currently inhabit most of the time, and becoming Bodil. I’ll be talking about everyday experiences, and about what happens inside my head as the thing progresses.

You’ll need to know some basic facts about me. I was raised to be a man, being born with all the usual male parts, and for thirty years I tried to play the part. I didn’t do very well. One day, I realised I didn’t have to, and that, given the choice, in fact I’d prefer to be a woman. I’ve been working on that for the last two years. Today, I’m nowhere close to being full-time, and spend most of my time being obviously male, if a little effeminate, because of the amount of work still required to look female, but whenever I can, I’ll spend an hour shaving and an hour putting on makeup, and become Bodil for a while. This usually happens on social occasions, like a night on the town.

I’m working on altering my body to suit my self-image better. I’m having my body hair permanently removed, and I’m taking estrogen pills. When it becomes economically feasible, I’m going to have facial surgery. Eventually, there will be no more male persona, only Bodil. Or at least that’s the current plan. I used to have a more radical one, involving genital surgery, which I’ve since revised - I’ve found I don’t actually have a problem with my boy parts, only the social gender role they’ve imposed on me. I may, for all I know, revise the plan further as I go along.

This is where I am currently. And this is what I look like, on a good day:



So now you know me. It was nice talking to you, and I hope you’ll want to follow the blog. I won’t be writing for you anymore, though. If you leave comments, I’ll probably answer them, but the posts will be written for the benefit of me alone, and for some distant posterity, because I’ve never been good at talking to myself. Well, that’s the idea, anyway - I’m much too vain to actually succeed. But let’s pretend. I hope you’ll enjoy it, regardless.