How To Talk To Trans People
Posted on the 24th of May 2009 at 21:46 by Bodil
This is one of those topics that keep surprising me with their need to be addressed. It’s not just those crazy conservative religious people who struggle with it–that wouldn’t surprise me much. I meet people every day who just don’t know how to deal with the issue.
So today I’m going to teach you how to behave towards transgendered people. In particular, I’m going to teach you how to relate to me. There are more ways of being trans than there are ways of being bigoted against them, so I’m not even going to try to speak for all of us. If you can deal with me without pissing me off, though, you’re probably off to a reasonable start.
Lesson One: The Pronoun
Most people have a concept of gender. Usually it’s the simple binary notion of male and female. Usually you won’t have to deal with more than that.
I’m OK with that.
Realise, though, that gender is not defined by genitalia. This is where most people start to struggle a bit. Surely, if somebody has a penis, he is a man, yes? Well, I happen to have a penis, and if you want to be a complete asshat, please do go ahead and call me a man. Many people who knew me before transition still do, even though mostly by mistake, an unintended “he” when referring to me. Sometimes it’s deliberate. Sometimes it’s malicious. No matter what, even if it’s an innocent mistake, it’s not something you do.
You see, what it tells me, and what it should tell you, is that while I look, feel and behave like a woman, while I most definitely identify as a woman, you still think of me as a man.
Obviously, this will hurt me. I’ll start wondering what I’m doing wrong; maybe my profile is too masculine, maybe my voice is too deep, etc. I’ll feel really inadequate. I’ll feel stupid for thinking I could ever believe I could be the person I want to be on the outside as well as the inside. Only for a little while, though–I’m really thick skinned, and will get over it. (Mind you, most trans people most definitely won’t, and with good reason.)
What I won’t get over, though, is the fact that you just revealed your true self to me, and it turns out it’s pretty bigoted, whether you’re able to admit it to yourself or not. Rest assured, my level of respect for you will suffer. You may not have intended to act like an asshat, but the fact that you did, even if by mistake, tells me that deep in your heart you really are an asshat.
The correct gender to address trans people as is the gender they identify with. Accept that this is their real gender, even if it’s not their sex. Sex is biological; gender is social. Gender is what counts in any social situation. If you’re not sure which gender somebody identifies with, assume it’s the gender they’re presenting as. If you’re not sure about that, then asking is better than getting it wrong. Just don’t be an asshat, whatever you do.
Lesson Two: The Name
The name is something it should be impossible for you to make a mistake about. You know what a trans person is called, if you have been introduced. Use that name. Never, ever use their old name. I may have really thick skin and all that, but if you call me by my old name, you are my enemy. I don’t care if you do it by mistake. Don’t.
Sure, if the mistake is understandable–say, you knew me before transition and decide to write me a mail to catch up–that’s OK. But if you call me by my old name to my face, there’s really no excuse: you’re an asshat.
I won’t even try to reason this one out for you; just accept that it’s unbelievably rude, under any circumstance.
Asking what my old name was is also rude, but not a hanging offense. Just don’t do it. Referring to it as my “real name” is a hanging offense. My real name is Bodil, and if you have a problem accepting that, you’re a bigot and an asshat.
Lesson Three: The Technical Term
You can call me transgendered. I’m OK with that, as long as you’re OK with transgendered people. You can call me a trans woman. That’s perfectly acceptable to me; I’m not trying to hide the fact that I’m trans, and the term recognises the fact that I’m a woman. I am not a trans man, as in “oh, she’s a man trying to be a woman, so she must be a trans man.” That’s stupid, and rude, and you will be treated as such.
Derogatory terms, such as “shemale” or “ladyboy,” are obviously not OK. They’re derogatory terms. Do the math.
In my particular case, I don’t consider myself a transsexual. This term implies, to me, a desire to alter genitalia. I have no such desire, hence I am not transsexual. I won’t be offended if you call me transsexual, though. I realise these terms are confusing enough to those of us to whom they broadly apply, and I don’t expect everyone to be experts in the field. I may correct you, if I care to, but in no way would I be offended.
Oh yeah, and “transvestite?” That is, very implicitly, a person who identifies clearly as one gender while on occasion dressing up as the other gender. They’re trans people, sure, but there’s an enormous difference between a man letting his feminine side out on occasion and actually being stuck in the wrong gender. I respect transvestites enormously–I think everyone should be a transvestite on occasion, in fact, just to loosen up their concept of gender a bit and let go of those stupid gender role hang-ups–but calling me a transvestite is, pretty much, saying I’m a man. By now, you should know that’s not very nice.
Realise that while I, personally, am fine with being labelled a trans person in the clinical sense, it is never all right to out someone against their will. Most trans people will be deeply hurt and offended if you reveal their secrets to anyone they haven’t chosen to place their trust in themselves. Wouldn’t you? Even I would be a little hurt by being introduced with “this is Bodil, she’s a tranny” for no reason.
Also, be aware that most trans people have their own labels and definitions with which they asssociate themselves. If you really must use a label, and you don’t know what the person you’re labelling is comfortable with, be as generic as possible and just use the term “trans.” Some trans people will be offended even by that, but in my mind that is, frankly, unreasonable.
Lesson Four: Asking Questions
Ask away. Just respect Lesson One: don’t ask things like “why do you want to be a woman when you’re a man?” I try to be as open as possible, and if I can help tear down your preconceptions, or just make you feel more at ease around me, by being informative, then I’m happy to do so.
In fact, I’m going to answer the most commonly asked question right now. The question, of course, is “why?” My answer is obvious. If you’re a man, do you want to be a woman? If you’re a woman, do you want to be a man? Yeah, neither do I.
Conclusion
Generally, when dealing with trans people you’ll be fine as long as you accept them for what they are. There’s no need to be nervous around them. You don’t have to watch what you say, as long as you have fully accepted the basic premise that they are who they are. I, for instance, am a woman. I am not a man. If you’ve accepted that, then you aren’t likely to make any mistakes, now, are you?
In fact, if you’re nervous about slipping up with a trans person, maybe you ought to have a little more faith in us? Sure, being trans isn’t easy, but that doesn’t mean we’re all so emotionally fragile as a result that we’ll slit our wrists if you happen to mention “trans fats” or “drag racing” within earshot of us. Trans people are no more crazy than anyone else. Which, to be honest, isn’t saying much.
