On Cup Size and Happiness
Posted on the 12th of April 2009 at 12:26 by Bodil
Last year, I outlined my two remaining steps to complete transition. These were getting rid of the fake hair, which I did, and breast enlargement.
So, obviously, this is to inform you that I’m about to have breast enlargement surgery. In only a few days’ time. And I’m terrified about the procedure, no small thanks to having watched too much Nip/Tuck, and am putting my affairs in order in case I don’t survive, but that’s not really relevant. Besides, I’ll get over it.
What matters is that this marks the end point of the process of transition. Aside from minor matters of convenience, like further permanent hair removal in places where I shave and epilate quite adequately today, there’s nothing more to be done. Nothing, at least, that I want done–I’m still not having any genital mutilation performed; if you can’t deal with the idea of a woman with a penis, that isn’t my problem.
And now that the end is in sight–actually quite imminent–how do I feel about it? Aside from that tiny niggling doubt I’ve taken care to cultivate just so I can be sure I’m not deluding myself into transgenderedness for all the wrong reasons, which, rest assured, is entirely overshadowed by the sheer unnatural horror of imagining going back to being male, I feel nothing out of the ordinary. It’s going to be a massive relief to be able to throw away the prosthetics, and not to have to worry about them slipping out anymore, but that’s a practical concern. I’m a little excited because I believe, shallowly, that breast enlargement will make me more attractive, and I do want to be more attractive. Well, obviously.
Aside from that, there’s nothing. I realise there’s no sense of fulfillment, because in my mind this isn’t really the point where I become a complete woman. That happened a long time ago, even before the name change. I’ve long since settled into that role.
Re-reading my blog posts from 2007, all excited with this process of going out and being a woman on a part-time basis, I hardly even remember what that was like. I’ve been all Bodil for a whole year now, and it almost feels like this is how it’s always been. Startling, really: in my memories of past events, my mind has substituted my old identity with the new one. I can almost understand why some transgendered people I’ve known flatly refuse to admit to being transgendered after completing their transitions, claiming such things as “I was never really transgendered, because I’ve really been the same gender all along.” I still maintain that’s a dangerous fallacy, but I do see why they’d think so. That guy I used to be, I’m not really able to believe he even existed anymore.
So, here we are. I’ll be posting a review of the surgeon after I’m completely recovered from the procedure, obviously, and I’m going to do a big summary post on what I’ve learned in order to help others transition more painlessly, because that was the purpose of this blog in the first place, and I feel I owe it to you. After that, though, I very much doubt I’ll be doing any more blogging on transgender issues. That is, about my personal transgender issues, because there’s really not any more to say. I do reserve the right to the occasional rant against transphobia and the likes, obviously.
Just so you know. Mission complete, no more transition talk here.
Thank you, you’ve been a lovely audience, goodbye for now, and pray for me during surgery, becase a million to one odds of something going horribly bad aren’t odds you could ever be comfortable with…
